Surrender
by addekluv
Summary: An Addisoncentric fanfic. I own none of the characters.


**Surrender**

Addison was sitting on a bench at the entrance of Seattle Grace Hospital. She was listening intently to the cell phone she had cradled on her shoulder. "Yes, yes, thank you. I understand. I will take care of everything when I arrive tomorrow afternoon. Thank you again for calling." She closed the phone and placed it in her hand. She bent over putting her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands.

Derek and Meredith were walking towards the entrance to the hospital. They both glanced over at Addison and Derek let go of Meredith's hand. Meredith nodded at Derek and he walked towards Addison. Meredith continued into the hospital so as to not be late for Bailey and her rounds. As Derek sat next toAddison, she looked up to see who was sitting next to her. Derek noticed tears beginning to fall down her cheeks. Addison quickly wiped her face and looked away from him.

"Addy, what's wrong? Are you ok?"

Addison looked back at him and quietly said, "My father passed away last night. I have to fly to New York in the morning to handle all of the arrangements."

Derek said, "I'm sorry Addison. I knew he was sick, but..."

Addison nodded in understanding. "He had everything written out with respect to his wishes for his funeral. Really, I just have to go to make sure it's done correctly and to be there for the funeral."

Derek placed his hand over Addison's and asked "Do you want me to go with you?"

Addison half - smiled and said, "No, Derek. I need to go back and do this alone. But, thank you."

Derek nodded and took his hand away from hers. "I'm sorry Addison. I know this will be hard for you."

Addison smiled and Derek stood up and walked away heading into the hospital.

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Addison knocked on Richard's office door knowing she'd need to ask for some time off. Usually, things like that didn't bother her, but considering she just asked for some time off a short while ago, she wasn't looking forward to doing it again so soon.

"Come in," announced Richard. "Ahhh, Addison, how are you?"

"Um, I'm ok. I need to ask you something and I really hate to ask you again since I just did this awhile ago, but I really do need to ask you..."

"Addison, spit it out."

"I need more time off."

"Why? Feel the need for more drinking?" Richard smiled, thinking he was being pretty funny.

"No...I ... uh...my father died last night."

"Oh, Addison, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make light of what you needed from me."

Addison smiled. "It's ok. Really, I need to ask you for a few days off so I can go back to New York and handle the funeral arrangements. I hate to ask you again, I really do. I'm sorry if this is an inconvenience to you and the hospital."

"Addison, this is completely different. Please, take care of whatever you need to do."

Richard walked around his desk and gave Addison a hug.

"Thank you Richard. I will be back as soon as I can."

"I know you can't stay away from us for long."

Addison smiled and walked out of his office.

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Derek and Mark were walking out of a patient's room. Derek was consulting with Mark on a patient with a burn to the back of his head. Derek started to walk away when Mark stopped him.

"Derek, hold up a minute."

"Yep?"

"I assume Addison told you about her father?"

"Yes, I talked to her this morning. I offered to go with her, but she refused."

"I know. She won't let me go either. But, Derek, I think she needs to do this herself. It's more than just her father."

Derek looked puzzled at Mark's statement.

"She's going back to bury her father. I also think she's going back alone to bury some memories. She will be arriving in New York with her last blood relative gone. She'll also be arriving without a husband. Essentially, Derek, she's arriving alone. She's going to go up those brownstone stairs and walk into a house where she will be hit with a flood of memories. She can't have one of us there when she goes through that."

Derek nodded and turned. He had more patients to take care of and thinking of what Mark told him wasn't going to mesh with the doctoring he needed to focus on that day.

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Addison boarded the plane for her 9:00am flight. She hadn't slept much during the night, so she was hoping to relax during the flight. She was planning to arrive in NY at approximately 2:00pm. Her appointment with the funeral director was an hour later. She knew it wouldn't give her much time to settle in to the house, but she'd have time for that later.

She sat back in her seat after throwing her carry on bag on the ledge above her. So far, the flight wasn't full. She was hoping no one would sit next to her. She wasn't in the mood for meaningless conversation.

A few minutes later, they were cleared for take off and Addison had gotten her wish of being alone. No one was sitting next to her. She looked out of the window and prepared herself for the lurch of the take off. After they were in the air for awhile, she felt her eyes begin to close. The next thing she knew, they were 15 minutes from landing. The dull lull of the airplane had allowed her to relax and catch up on some much needed sleep.

She departed the plane and went to baggage pick up. This was never something pleasant, but surprisingly Addison found her Gucci travel trunk and wardrobe bag quickly. Grabbing her luggage, she headed towards the car rental agency.

"Ah, yes, Dr. Montgomery, we have a nice little sedan waiting for you."

The porter brought her car to the waiting area of the airport. Addison was a bit taken aback to see a black Mercedes S600. With her eyebrow raised, she thought, a_ nice little sedan indeed_. She got into the car while the porter placed her luggage into the trunk of the car. Although the car was loaded with a GPS, Addison didn't need to use it. She knew exactly where she was going.

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Addison pulled into the funeral home's parking lot. She hadn't had time, with heavy NY traffic, to stop at the brownstone before coming. Stepping out of the rental car, she stood and looked at the funeral home for just a minute_. This isn't where I thought I'd be today. I didn't plan on burying my father tomorrow._

Addison broke her memory and walked inside. The funeral home director was correct when he talked to her on the phone. Her father had everything well planned out. Calling hours were going to be an hour before the funeral service, but there would be no burial service. He had donated his body to science, which, Addison knew was a tribute to his only child. Her father worked in finance and was a stock exchange trader. He had no connection to medicine except through his daughter. Although he and Addison hadn't been extremely close, she knew he was proud of her accomplishments.

As Addison was reading over the service agenda, she began to remember things about herself and her father. Her first memory was when she was 5 and her father told her that her mother had died while giving birth to her. She was shocked and upset, as was expected, and her father didn't quite know how to handle a 5 year old girl's emotions. Her father had hired a nanny soon after his wife had passed away and he delegated the handling of Addy's emotions over to the nanny. Her nanny came to be a surrogate mother to her and her father became less emotionally involved with his daughter. He was there for her when she brought home report cards and, eventually, to see her graduate from medical school, but he wasn't there when her first best friend said she hated her or when Addison's first boyfriend broke her heart.

Addison had only seen her father cry once and that was when she told him that she wanted to specialize in OB/GYN. She said she didn't want any more children to grow up without a mother.

Addison deliberately stopped remembering things about her father when she began to visualize him walking her down the aisle during her wedding to Derek. That wasn't a place she was ready to go to yet. She gathered up the papers and told the funeral director that she would be back tomorrow morning for the calling hours. It was time to go to the brownstone.

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While pulling into the garage at the brownstone, Addison's cell phone rang. She looked at the screen, smiled, turned off the car, and answered the phone.

"Hi Savvy!"

"Addison! Are you really here?"

"I am! I just pulled in. I've already been to the funeral home."

"I'm sorry Addison. I know this is going to be a rough few days for you, but I'm so glad you are back in town."

"Me too."

"Let's have dinner at our favorite restaurant later this evening."

Addison and Savvy made plans for the evening and Addison made her way into the house. She immediately went towards the stairs to head up to her bedroom. Stopping to glance around the house, she was glad that she had kept the maid service for the past year. Everything was clean and the furniture was covered with cloths. Addy had a thing for neatness and cleanliness.

When she took the first couple of steps, another flashback hit her. She remembered the night Derek found her with Mark. She remembered sitting on the same step that her foot was now on begging Derek to let her stay. She remembered him grabbing her and throwing her out the front door_. How could I have thought that by clutching the banister, it would somehow make Derek see that I loved him and that I wasn't going anywhere,_ she thought. Shaking her head and dislodging the memory, she continued climbing the stairs to her old bedroom.

She tossed her luggage on the bed and hung her garment bag in the walk-in closet. There wasn't much left on either side of the closet. Derek had taken out most of the clothes the day he left New York. Half of her clothes had been ruined the night of the affair when Derek threw them outside in the rain.

Addison decided a nice, long, hot shower was in order. It hadn't been an easy day and coming back to their old house wasn't as simple as she had planned either. She turned on the water and let it run a bit before stepping into the shower and letting the hot water and steam envelope her body and senses.

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Addison had had a wonderful time catching up with Savvy. She missed her best friend immensely. She was so happy that Savvy and her husband were on good terms and had worked through Savvy's recovery. She couldn't help but wish that for herself, but she knew that what she did, that eventually ended her marriage, was something that she had to take responsibility for. Her guilt had lifted a bit after she had told Derek about living with Mark. But, the sadness of it all was still something that she had to wait for time to heal.

On the way home from the restaurant, Addy had picked up a bottle of wine. She had thrown the cover off of the couch and sat with her wine glass. Although she didn't enjoy being alone, she knew it was necessary that she come to New York by herself. Breaking the silence, her cell phone rang again. Sighing, Addy looked at who was calling her. It was Mark. She put the phone back on the couch next to her. She certainly wasn't in the mood to speak with him. If it had been Derek, there would've been a better chance of her answering the phone, but she knew he'd never be calling her now.

_Mark is Mark_, she thought. More memories came flooding back to her.

A few days after Derek had left her, she knew he wasn't coming back. The chief at the hospital where they worked together had no idea where he had gone. He had only told Addison that Derek had quit. Mark had continually called Addison trying to get her to stay with him. After a few days of being alone, she decided to go to Mark and allow him to comfort her. He had been so good at that when Derek was becoming absent in their marriage. Addison had taken months of Derek coming home late, avoiding her, and just being indifferent as to her whereabouts or needs. She had tried to get Derek to talk about things, but he just waved her off and walked away. Mark was the one that would sit and listen to her problems. He was the one that would call and ask how a certain surgery went. The night of the affair, Addison knew that Derek was supposed to be on call that night. Mark had come over to see Derek and had ended up staying and talking to Addison. She hadn't planned for anything to happen, but when it began, she had a fleeting thought that if Derek found out, it may wake him up to her needs.

After a couple of months of living with Mark, Addison decided to leave the hospital early and surprise him at home. He had the day off and she knew he had wanted to stay home and work on some paperwork from his practice. She quietly let herself in to his apartment. When she walked into the foyer, she saw Mark sleeping on his side facing the back of the couch. Addison smiled and tiptoed a bit further into the living room. She stopped suddenly when she noticed that Mark was not alone on the couch. A woman, who was sleeping, was sandwiched between the back of the couch and Mark. Addison didn't say a word. She quietly let herself out of the apartment.

Addison drove back to the brownstone. She had failed twice. Once when she had cheated on Derek and once when she thought that making a relationship work would ease her guilt and make her adultery more forgivable.

She laid her car keys and cell phone on the kitchen island. She noticed the voice mail icon on the screen of her phone. How had she missed a call? Picking up the phone, she listened to her message. It was from Dr. Richard Webber. Her former mentor was now Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace Hospital. He wanted Addison to return his call as soon as possible. Intrigued, she dialed the number he left for her.

"Richard Webber."

"Richard, it's Addison Shepherd."

"Hello! Thank you for returning my call. I have a difficult OB case here and I would be so grateful to you if you'd come to Seattle for a consult."

"Certainly! It would be my pleasure, Richard. I miss both you and Adele and would love to see you again."

"Thank you Addison. It's a tough case so I wanted the best."

Addison smiled. "I appreciate that, Richard. I will fly out as soon as I can clear my schedule here. I should be able to arrive within two to three days."

"That's perfect Addison…..Umm….Addison…..there's one more thing."

"Yes?"

"Derek's here."

Addison heart dropped to her stomach. Derek was in Seattle at the same hospital as Richard and Derek hadn't returned her calls?

"Addison, are you there?"

"Yes, yes, I'm here."

"I'm sorry Addy, but I felt you needed to know that there's talk here that he's involved with a woman. I don't know what's going on with the two of you, but I couldn't bring you here without telling you that first."

"Thank you, Richard. Oh….Richard…. I'm getting paged, but I'll see you when I arrive in Seattle."

With that lie, Addison closed her cell phone. Running a hand through her hair, she sat down on a kitchen stool. She had just found Mark with another woman.

Derek was living in Seattle…..and moving on……. without her. "_So much for her plans of pleasure on her shortened work day," _she thought Things certainly had a way of turning around on her.

That evening, Mark called her. Addison didn't say a word about what she saw at his apartment. She explained to him that Richard had called her earlier in the day and that she went back to the brownstone to get things together. She told Mark that now that she knew where Derek was, she had to give it once last try. She told Mark that she still loved Derek and wanted her marriage to survive.

Tomorrow, at work, she would clear her schedule, pick up divorce papers at their lawyer's office, and pack for Seattle. However, she had no intention of signing those divorce papers unless Derek signed them first.

Addison sighed as the memory faded. She finished off her glass of wine and decided to try to lay down upstairs in her bed. It wasn't overly late, but she felt tired. Was it the flight….reconnecting with her best friend….the brutal truth of having to bury her father…or the memories….that caused her such fatigue?

In her bedroom, Addison opened one of the drawers of Derek's old dresser. Pulling out a t-shirt of his, she held it close to her chest. She went into the bathroom and changed into the t-shirt.

Pulling back the covers on the bed, Addison climbed into the left side; her side. She was so physically tired. She still felt like all of this was just a dream. At times, when she woke up at night, she forgot for a second that Derek was gone. She'd reach out for him only to remember that he wasn't there anymore. Twelve years can't be forgotten overnight.

Addison moved towards the middle of the bed. She pulled a pillow towards her and hugged it tightly. Slowly, now that she was alone in her old bedroom, the tears started falling. She cried for her father, she cried for the mother she never had, she cried for the friends in NY that she missed, and she cried for the part of herself that she felt she'd lost in the last year of her life. Addison finally surrendered.

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Addison made it through the calling hours and the funeral service just fine. She had let out so much emotion the night before that today she was just numb.

After everyone had left the room, Addison walked up to the casket. She looked at her father and sighed.

"Thank you for giving me the strength to become who I am today. I didn't understand your detachment from my life while I was growing up. I even hated you for it. But, today, I understand you were giving me the space to make mistakes and to figure out solutions on my own. I'm just so sorry my understanding came too late. I love you, dad."

Addison kissed her fingers and laid them on her father's forehead. She took one last look at him and walked away.

Before Addison drove back to the brownstone, she decided to go to the house in the Hamptons that she and Derek had shared. She wasn't sure if there was anything there that she wanted to keep, but she wanted to take a look around the house anyway.

The 3 hour drive was relaxing for Addison. She listened to music on the radio and she had called Richard to make sure everything was ok at the hospital. Her profession was extremely important to her. At the moment, she felt like it was the one constant in her life….the one thing she could count on.

Some time later, Addison began walking through the house, picking up knick knacks that she and Derek had collected on the beach years earlier. She found a small shell on an end table in the living room area of the house. She smiled as she remembered the day she found this shell……

Addison and Derek had begun their weekly summer vacation enjoying some quiet time at the Hampton house. They were both lying on towels enjoying the heat of the summer sun. Addison rolled onto her stomach and watched Derek, who had fallen asleep. She heard some children playing and turned to look at them. She saw there was a beach bucket not far from where they were lying. She glanced back at Derek and then an evil idea entered her head. She smiled and raised herself off of the towel.

Addy grabbed the bucket and filled it with the chilly Atlantic water. Walking quickly, she headed back towards Derek. Standing above him, she felt a smidgeon of remorse about what she intended to do. Pushing that thought aside, Addison dumped the bucket of water over the still-sleeping Derek.

A shocked Derek awoke and squinted at the image above him. "What? What the?"

Addison smiled, raised her eyebrow, and took off running down the beach.

"Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd, get back here!" Derek yelled.

Addison changed direction and started running into the water. Derek soon caught up with her. He grabbed her arms from behind and pulled her away from the water and back to the sand. He playfully threw her to the ground and held her wrists above her head.

"What the heck was that for?" Derek asked.

Addison was laughing so hard that she couldn't answer him. She tried to struggle free, but Derek had a good hold on her. Soon, Addison decided to stop squirming.

She said, "Ok, Derek. I give. I have sand in my hair."

Derek didn't move.

"I'm serious. Come on Derek. Let me go."

Derek still didn't budge.

"Derek, come on! I now have sand in my bathing suit. I'm sorry I soaked you, ok? I'm on! Please let me go!"

"Sand in your suit, huh?" Addy nodded.

"We can fix that right now." Derek let one of Addison's wrists go and he began to pull her bathing suit strap down over her shoulder.

"Derek! Not here!" Addison started giggling. "Let me go and I'll clean up inside the house."

Derek relented and let Addison go. He grabbed her hand and helped her to her feet. He pulled her close to him and put his hand on the back of her head. He tangled his fingers in her hair. Addison smiled. Derek gave her hair a small tug; just enough to tip her chin towards him.

With a serious face, Derek said "Do NOT do that EVER again."

Trying not to smile, Addison said, "I promise I will not get you wet again unless I am getting wet with you."

Derek smiled and replied, "I have an idea. Let's go play doctor."

"Dr. Shepherd, that is the oldest joke around."

"I know, but it works every time."

Derek took Addison's hand and they walked together down the beach towards their house.

With the memory fading, Addison decided to keep the shell. She realized it was probably the first time in a long time that she had ended a memory about her and Derek with a smile. She decided this was the only memento that she'd keep from the Hampton house.

While driving back to the brownstone, Addison called her realtor and advised her to put both houses on the market. She also made one last goodbye call to Savvy.

The next day, she packed up the rental car with her luggage and the few things she kept from New York. As she took one last look around the house, she realized that although this had been an emotional trip, it was one that she needed. She had allowed herself to let go…..she let go of the anger towards her father….she let go of her guilt of being with Mark….and she had let go of the sense of failure from the demise of her marriage. Addison had finally allowed herself to surrender.

The End!


End file.
